Closing the Door
How to heal from a toxic and abusive relationship? You desperately type these words into the Google search bar. The results are interesting but generic. Nothing inspiring sticks out. Next, you try, What books to read to heal from a toxic and abusive relationship? Hmm…that’s nice but still not quite right. You’ve already read The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown (in your opinion a necessary aid at being at peace in this life). What you’re looking for is a script, a step-by-step guide to follow that ultimately leads you to healing and forgetting the trauma, and, more importantly, to peace. These initial results don't yield much to sink your teeth into. But you’re at least pleased to see that you’re on the right path with some of the recommended action steps, which include, in no particular order: 1) relying on your support system and your community (done - I talk to my best friend almost daily; she knows my story inside and out.); 2) leaning into self-care (I am the self-care queen - I burn sage; I have journals and face masks, and so many new candles and fresh flowers it’s giving spa vibes.); 3) seeking professional help and/or hotlines (double check - I have not one, but two therapists; one is my long-standing therapist I’ve worked with for years, and the other specializes in abusive relationships.). The cocktail of healing.
What isn't emphasized in the search results but is probably the most crucial step - at least it’s the one your friends, family, and therapist encourage - is No Contact. This is simple, but not easy. It is straightforward, but complicated. It is necessary, but painful. It is beneficial, but heartbreaking. In most cases, establishing No Contact is one of the first critical steps to healing from a traumatic situation, such as a toxic and abusive relationship. To be clear, arguably the first necessary step, and probably the one that feels insurmountable and impossible, is the decision to leave and the actual leaving part. When you’re at this point, you will be forced to summon and use a kind of strength you don't feel capable of and don't know you possess. You can and you do. At this point, you will be forced to walk away from love, an act that feels as foreign and counterintuitive as it does agonizing. But you must remember that sometimes leaving, saying goodbye, is the most loving thing you can do (for yourself and for them) and is the best chance you have at surviving.
Forward is a motion. As if finally having the strength to leave wasn't hard enough, a strength that took days, months, and countless tears and heartache to create, your next challenge on the quest back to yourself is establishing No Contact. Close the door, throw away the key, and seal off the entry. When you say “no” to one thing you are able to say “yes” to something else. And when you say “yes” to something you MUST say “no” to something else. By staying in the toxic and abusive relationship for however long you did - years, months, weeks, or days - you were saying “yes” to the cycle of abuse and to someone else, and by consequence, you were saying “no” to yourself. You began to prioritize someone else’s needs, feelings, and emotions above your own. No boundary in sight. You began disappearing.
Establishing No Contact from the abuser is like breaking an addiction, only this is a chemical, psychological, and physiological addiction to a traumatic pattern caused by the cycle of abuse. The human mind loves certainty. Despite it being devastatingly painful and destructive, the pattern of abuse is familiar and known. You are comforted by certainty and by the dopamine hits you are temporarily rewarded with in the loving and romantic, albeit short-lived, reconciliation phase (i.e. “love bombing”). This means that establishing No Contact with the abuser creates strong, profound, and painful feelings of withdrawal. You can't sleep. You can't eat. You feel anxiety or tightness in your chest. In withdrawal, your body surges in desperation to find its familiar comfort - false hope. Just as an alcoholic reaches for a drink. The thing that comforts you is also the thing that destroys you.
Before you establish No Contact you are in a dizzying feedback loop of abuse, control, verbal attacks, emotional warfare, and manipulation. Everything spins at lightning speed. You are completely sucked into this cyclone, questioning yourself and your reality (the results of abuse). There is an exit - cut off the source.
You are not responsible for someone else’s happiness. Before you leap out of this storm, you might be thinking or believing that staying or talking or trying to fix things will result in someone else’s happiness and in ultimate bliss you have been hoping for. This is a deadly farce. You are responsible for you and you alone. What someone else is doing over there is their business. Stay in your lane. Thinking or believing you can “create happiness in them” is a lie with devastating consequences. As you’ve witnessed and experienced thus far, staying in the cyclone, talking, and trying (and trying and trying) feeds hope. And hope keeps you anchored to the madness and the abuse. And ultimately, if it hasn't already, the madness and abuse will destroy your mental, physical, and emotional well-being. Just as a catastrophic tsunami destroys everything in its path. No stone unturned. No survivors remain.
Establishing No Contact is your lifeline, your higher ground. It is an act of self-love and self-protection. Without it you will undoubtedly be swept away. It is a matter of when not if; it is a matter of life or death. If you stay in the deep end you will drown. It is terrifying. It is painful. It will suck. You will resist. But resistance is not love; it is love dressed up as withdrawal and addiction. Addiction to the hand that feeds you. Creating the boundary of No Contact is your ultimate tool in the emotional warfare that you’ve been victim to, and the crucial path to healing, to peace, and to surviving. If this sounds dramatic, it is. If it sounds alarming, it is. The pain of withdrawal, of No Contact, is temporary. The rewards are endless. Live on. You can. You will. You must.
