Half Truths

You’re fucking crazy.

You’re acting insane.

You’re fucking childish.

You need to grow the fuck up.

That’s only half of the truth. 

Beneath the surface of your perceived “madness” lies a deeper narrative, like two sides of a weathered coin. On one side, the polished veneer everyone sees; on the other, the tarnished reality hidden in the shadows. It's the duality, the untold story whispering between the lines, painted with shades of deception, betrayal, and denial.​

There are two sides to every story. Two versions of events.

When you finally walk through the door and make it back home, it’s 2:00 a.m., adrenaline still pumping through your veins. You’re numb. Ends of your nerves are fried, frayed at the edges from constant vigilance this past year. And this middle-of-the-night escape was the final breaking point. The moment your ability to stay silent and small, and to keep the peace, ran out. He depleted you of everything else; why not deplete your complicity along with it?

For days, weeks, or even months on end, you remain quiet, tiptoeing around conversations so as not to detonate his rage and hate that ultimately spews from his lips like venom from a snake. You dance around him carefully as you would a deadly cobra ready to strike at any moment.

This isn’t a normal ending to an otherwise ordinary or healthy relationship. When an abusive relationship ends, it’s dramatic at best. The relationship is founded on a toxic bond between the abuser and the victim, thriving on control, adoration, and manipulation on the one hand, in exchange for silence, obedience, and shrinking on the other. The victim, often an empath, strives to keep the peace, losing themselves in the effort to make the relationship work. You recognize the abuser for their hurt, their past traumas, and current insecurities, and you think you can love them through it. You couldnt be more wrong.

Over time, your needs become buried, suffocating beneath the pain of rejection, dismissal, and their hatred towards you. Your sanity slips under the rubble, too. With your hurt unacknowledged and your pain ignored, you go quiet and numb. To him, to the abuser, it seems like “everything is ok.” In reality, you began silencing your pain, trying to soothe your own wounds, and covering the bruises on your heart and mind. He thinks you two are smooth sailing, nothing to raise concern over. Inside, however, you feel as though you are slowly dying.

To the abuser, and maybe even to those around him, it seems abrupt when you snap. For the abuser—who lives in a fantasy of his own making, where logic and accountability do not reside—the ending may come out of nowhere. The abuser digests this as abandonment, coldness, or infidelity. Even though you tried to give him signs of your pain and suffering, your needs were not met, and the hurt he was causing, he acts surprised when you reach your limit. Suddenly, he appears awake to the alarm bells you’ve been sounding all along. Let's just talk. I’m here now. As if you weren’t begging for this for months. I needed this awareness then. I’ve said this over and over. This isn’t news!

It may be delusional to him, and come out of thin air. But for you, this is a pain that has been slowly simmering into a full-blown rage. Your rage, sharp comebacks and accusations, and coldness are just signs of suffering that's been suppressed for too long. This breakup is a breaking point, a moment of release for the boundaries crossed, apologies you were never awarded, and love and respect you deserved but did not receive.

Sure, it can seem crazy when someone who is forced into silence finally erupts like a cannon. But make no mistake, anger is only the tip of the iceberg. What’s underneath is where the full story lives. That’s where you’ll find the anguish and pain of being gaslit, minimized, ignored, put down, lied to, manipulated, and controlled. You think anger is the problem? Anger is only the symptom, a consequence of a horrendous cycle of emotional and psychological destruction and neglect. You ignore a symptom long enough, and it will come back with a vengeance. Like a toothache you ignore it until it eventually abscesses and decays. Sooner or later, you’ll have to deal with the consequences of your actions and inactions.

It may be nice to live under a rock, shielded by ignorance. There’s a part they believe that keeps them there: you’ll keep forgiving no matter how many times they cross the line; you’ll drown in silence before you ever speak up or leave; you’re trapped in a love they convinced you that you can’t live without; or you’ll bury your pain, which means that you will never rise. That’s the thing about ignorance. It causes you to believe hilarious things. Things no more real than the love and potential they blew your way like smoke in mirrors. So yeah, you seem crazy and psychotic when their spell loses its grip, and you finally wake up.

​Gaslight me, and I’ll light you on fire. (~r.h.sin)