Powerless to Power Full

The pattern of emotional and psychological abuse will ebb and flow like tides of the ocean: calm, low, and flat at times, while also tumultuous and chaotic at others. Your grief from this relationship, and residual trauma from this pattern and abuse, will be no different. Grief is not linear. It spares no one. On one hand, it will feel as strong and as powerful as the current that was trying to take you under - sadness, loneliness, anxiety, and discomfort. You will miss them. It will hurt. And it will hurt badly. It will feel like there is no end or light is in sight. On the other hand, you may be coasting on calm and peaceful seas, gently gliding along, warm breeze through your hair. Just as mother nature can be unpredictable and relentless, so too is the pain of grief, appearing as if without warning, bringing with it a dark cloud of depression and despair. 

Every day feels like the road I'm on

Might just open up and swallow me whole

How do I feel so mighty small

When I'm struggling to feel at all?

(~Adele, Hold On)

How are you? Fine, thanks. You? Small talk at the office or at the grocery store feels taxing and excruciating. Are you losing interest in and finding little joy in doing things? Yes. Are you sleeping more, too much, or finding it hard to get out of bed? Yes. You answer the standard check-in questionnaire for doctor and therapy appointments, foggily going through the motions. You feel like you’re sleepwalking. Sure, you’ve turned a pivotal corner and taken a monumental step by leaving a toxic and abusive relationship. Now you’re left with a gaping wound in your heart and a head full of memories you can't forget. On one hand you feel a weight has been lifted off your shoulders - control, manipulation, narcissistic and emotional abuse. On the other hand, you feel as if you’re being crushed by a boulder of sorrow that sits directly on your chest - loss, grief, uncertainty. They don't call it heartbreak or heartache for nothing, honey.

This isn't how my story ends. What is the bigger story that we’re telling here? (~Robin Arzón, Vice President of Fitness Programming and Head Instructor at Peloton and Founder of Swagger Society) In the months leading to your exit, and even now in the aftermath of the abuse, you were made to feel small, and you willingly complied with this demand. Bit by bit, you were well on your way to being powerless, over yourself, over your life, and over your peace. But now the door is closed. The source is cut off. You are back in control. You are safe in yourself and in your body. Even so, you may still feel weak, but you are not broken. You feel small but you have not disappeared. You are by no means powerless but power full. For months, you have been tolerating pain and undeserved and unexplainable emotional and verbal abuse. Your move from powerless to power full is your birthright. It is not born or measured by your ability - no, your necessity - to tolerate pain, or the choices they made for you: the mood, narrative, and characterization of you and the relationship. You become power full by your absolute right to choose. You choose what you deserve, and you choose who or what earns the right to you, your time, your energy, and your love.

Action and momentum beget confidence, motivation, and inspiration. 

What do you do for a living? I put one foot in front of the other. (~Robin Arzón) Your new job and mission is forward motion, both literally and figuratively. 

The shift. Your mindset is one of your strongest tools. Sharpening it yields high rewards and great strength. Sharpening it takes you from surviving to thriving, from withering to rising. Empowering and shifting your mindset makes you a warrior. Would you be proud or embarrassed if what’s playing in your mind became audible or visible for those around you? If you do not want what you still hear or see in your head to be publicly broadcast, then you are listening to or watching the wrong thing. All the insults, all the lies, all the highlight reels of verbal and emotional blows (blameshifting, gaslighting, dismissals, empty apologies) are like a low-budget horror film that doesn't deserve your money at the boxoffice. Every memory replayed, every rumination over past fights and failed constructive conversations is keeping the dial on the abuse. The feedback loop plays on. You are not a low-budget film. You are an oscar-worthy masterpiece. 

The power of no. No is not a word. No is a complete sentence. Full stop. No is a fortress for your peace, a nonnegotiable boundary for self-love and self-protection. The more you employ your no’s, the more you empower your yes’s. Whether it’s staying in the relationship, staying in contact, believing the lies, trying to fix what is beyond repair, or making yourself nearly invisible and quiet to keep the peace, you are saying yes in the wrong direction. You are handing out power like candy on Halloween. As a consequence, you are saying no to yourself, over and over and over. In this method, it’s like taking necessary irrigation from one garden to the next. You begin watering weeds that spread and grow and take up all the life around them. Eventually, the garden will dry up, the flowers will die, and all you’ll be left with is a graveyard for your peace, safety, and full potential. 

you are love in search of love

and somehow, you forgot

to give you to yourself

(~r.h. Sin, My Dear Wildflower)

Employ your no’s. Do you want this to be your future? No. Do you want to let someone else continue to mischaracterize you as “childish,” “unfaithful,” “immature,” “selfish,” or “self-centered”? No. Do you want to give your time, love, and energy away when it is clearly not earned or deserved? No. Will reading, re-reading, or responding to their texts or emails bring me peace and power and joy? No. From here on out, you must reframe everything as yes or no. Will this lead me to saying yes or no to myself? Does this cause me to say no to myself and self-abandon? If so, then it’s a no. Absolutely not. Period. Self-abandonment is no longer an option. It is no longer on the menu or in the guidebook that is your one valuable and precious life. Self-abandonment serves no one, least of all you. At first, saying no may feel like summoning strength to run uphill, resisting the urge to people-please and keep the peace every step of the way. When I say no, it creates discomfort in them, which creates discomfort and lack of safety in me. Lies. You are not responsible for their happiness or comfort. The only answer is no. And if you must, a “no, thank you” will suffice. Your time, your effort, your love, and your being are precious commodities. Only you can teach the world your value and how you deserve to be treated. Go forth and conquer. 

You, just hold on, you, just hold on (you are still strong)

You, just hold on

Just hold on, just hold on

(~Adele, Hold On)