To Love Someone
They say the truth will set you free. Sure. But first, it will blow up your whole fucking world. (Also, who are “they”?)....
Before that, before freedom, you will be floating along, blissfully, ignorantly, in a smooth and calm sea of lies and false hope, adorned with your rose-colored glasses as you sit in your inner tube and sport a fashionable floppy sunhat. Picture it: it’s like some spring break vacation your senior year of college before the facts and responsibilities of adulthood have made themselves known to you. So innocent. So naive. You have no fucking idea what’s to come.
In reality, you’re drifting into a tumultuous abyss. It may seem like you’re cruising on calm waters, until suddenly, you’re not. The idyllic float-down you signed up for is abruptly transformed into a white-water rapids adventure. Helmets and lifevests secured. Hold on for dear life.
Let me be clear, this relationship is dangerous. Pause. I’m very concerned for your safety. Pause. You are in real danger. You will get hurt. Pause. The abuse will get worse.
Pause. Silence. She’s right, you think to yourself. Your therapist is looking at you, wideeyed, carefully and intentionally choosing her words. You don't know her to be an alarmist. She’s known various degrees of your life for nearly two decades, including your family history and previous marriage and divorce. For her to use these descriptors, these adjectives…it’s as if the safety announcement at the beginning of a flight (that we all ignore) is suddenly very real scenario. We’ve all been there right? Yeah, yeah. Headphones on. No need to pay attention. Sure, yeah, I’ll help in the event of an emergency. I just want to get on with it and sit down. Classic “this won't happen to me” mentality.
Until it does happen to you. That safety announcement returns – you better pay attention. Brace for impact.
The pause continues. You are waking up.
At this point, it’s as if Pandora's box has been opened. Once the truth has been revealed, you cannot unsee it – the abuse. And you cannot unhear it. Every hateful word, every dirty look, every eggshell you delicately walked around, every time you silenced and shrunk yourself to keep the peace is seared into your memory.
All along, even now in the aftermath, you’ve been protecting the "good man" image that he meticulously curated for your mutual friends while he systematically destroyed your spirit behind closed doors – the version of a man most don't know or see. You wish you saw and experienced the man other people see — the one who you’ve heard people call "charming," "helpful," "kind," a “good guy,” “good father,” or “well spoken.” That man is a fictional character. He’s no more real than the prince charming of childhood fairytales. What’s missing from those descriptors is a year’s worth of abuse and psychological warfare:
The putdowns: arising as an attack on your reaction to his action/inaction: You are selfish and self-centered, analytical, too sensitive, too emotional.
The silencing: telling you that your pain was an inconvenience while not taking accountability: You are only focused on the negative by bringing this up.
Invalidation and weaponizing: turning your past vulnerabilities against you to invalidate your reaction to his actions: It’s because you have a problem with depression - you have mood swings. And, You couldn't make your marriage work so what do you know about relationships? And, All you do is pick me apart all the time. Nothing I do is ever good enough.
Paranoia and projection when you try to leave: unwilling to conceive of a world where a woman leaves him simply because he is a monster: If you want to leave so badly, you must be moving on to someone else. You already have someone else in mind.
Dismissal: labeling your emotional intelligence as a character flaw when you start connecting the dots on the abuse: Therapy makes you selfish. All you want to do is be analytical and overthink things.
The guilt trap: using a possession tactic disguised as his loyalty and creating guilt and confusion in you: You just want to quit and I would never do that to you.
Lack of accountability: gaslighting you and causing you to question if you are the problem: I don't have anything to be sorry for. Look at you, you’re the one who’s getting upset. You’re acting insane. You’re childish. You need to grow up.
Misstating priorities: dismissing responsibility to take action and remedy his hurtful behavior: I can't afford therapy; I don't live like you. While he simultaneously wants the two of you to attend an upcoming four-day concert that costs the same as up to a month’s worth of therapy. And while he simultaneously brings up buying a new truck because he “deserves it.” This tells me what your priorities are. You’re right, he responds, going to therapy is not a priority. Why can't you just be happy?
Any one of these statements or scenarios is problematic on their own. But all of them, used repeatedly, will rip the ground out from under you. You are left feeling disoriented and question reality.
The greatest lie and hardest blow is not just in the statements themselves. It was in the following love-bombing that coupled the vitriol. Each of these sentiments always came packaged with also calling you the "love of his life” and saying “I’ve never loved someone the way that I love you. I care for and respect you the most out of anyone else.”
Confusion. How is it he claimed a devotion so deep while simultaneously setting fire to your life, your self esteem, and your confidence? The truth – this was a meticulous and carefully chosen kind of torture meant to regain control when he felt he had none and dismantle your sense of self and reality. He redirects attention to your “refusal to be happy” and your “negativity” and guilts you to falsely believe in a rare and powerful love that he’s offering. This isn't simply an explosion; this is demolition in the first degree, designed to completely destroy you.
It begs the question: is this what it means and how to treat the “love of your life”? You may not know exactly what “love” is, but you know for certain this isn't it.
Suddenly nothing is the way that it was; Is this what it feels like to love someone? (~Benson Boone, To Love Someone)
