Guilty Until Proven Guilty

I’m starting to question myself, my memory. I’m starting to wonder if something did happen that I’m missing. I’m starting to doubt myself and what really happened or not.

You confide in your best friend, almost daily. Despite running her own business and having a family with two young kids, she has made time for you, over and over and over. She has listened to every word of your story in this relationship. She has listened and never judged.

I hate this for you, she responds. You’ve literally given him no reason to think about the things he’s saying and accusing you of. No reason. It would be different if you had done something, given him a reason not to trust you.

​This is where the abuse you've been experiencing takes on a new form. Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation used by abusers to make their victims question reality and their own judgment. It involves presenting false information or twisting events to create doubt and confusion. Self-doubt is a common response to experiencing abuse. Many survivors face these confusing emotions after experiencing systematic gaslighting.

For months, you’ve been hit with unfounded accusations of infidelity. They started as soft, subtle instances of his insecurity and historic trust issues, and escalated to full-scale attacks on your character and your memory. You're keeping doors open. Just be honest with me. Why are you lying? You're talking to guys in all these different cities and states. You have guys everywhere.

You endure this fight monthly, if not weekly, at this point. It’s always the thing he lands on and uses as his final lethal weapon of choice. A fight could be about anything else, but it always comes back to this.

I am being honest with you. I have been nothing but honest with you. There are no other guys, no doors open. There isn't even a door that exists to be open.

We both know you’re lying. Why are you lying to me?

I’ve given you access to my phone, all my passwords. You can look, and check, and see whatever you want. ​

I don't want that. He refuses.

Defeat. You’ve had this fight more times than you can count. Ironic, because when you went into this relationship, you thought you'd met your forever person. In this stage of life, in your late thirties, divorced, your mindset is about settling down with a lifetime partner, not about playing games or playing the field, and certainly not about infidelity. Your sights are set on falling in love and building a life with someone.

​After having this debate long enough, doubt started to take shape within you. Maybe something happened like he’s suggesting, and I’m forgetting it? Could I have missed something like that? I’m really not sure anymore.​

When someone rewrites history and your memory, your sanity is not safe. When they cast doubt where there once was confidence, your psychological safety is compromised. If you were not this unsure otherwise, save for the seeds of confusion they planted, then you are under someone else’s manipulation. This is crazy-making. And this is a weapon of mass destruction. This is abuse.

Despite every fiber of your being that knows what happened and didn't happen, and despite your telling the truth until your voice is gone, he does not let go. The story, the offense, the crime you’ve committed that he created in his mind,  is alive and strong. From here on out, he punishes you for a crime you didn't commit, a story that lives only in his head without any shred of evidence to prove its validity. Your efforts to plead your case are useless. This is no just judicial system in which it’s innocent until proven guilty. No – here, in his court of law, you are guilty until proven guilty.

From the outset of your relationship, you’ve made yourself clear: When I’m in something with someone (meaning a relationship), I’m all in. For you, this meant a fierce kind of loyalty and commitment, which you stand firmly behind and are proud of. For you, that means there is nothing open for debate. You commit your time, energy, sanity, and heart to this one person. Any other such accusation is laughable.

After these fights, he sometimes tries to defend himself, saying he "gets these thoughts sometimes" and "tries to let things go." It’s the closest you get to any accountability, or to his admitting his insecurity and overreaction. And even in these moments, he’s sure to still hold you accountable for being the reason he thinks these things. This is because of you and what you’ve done. Micro-cheating, keeping doors open. These are the things he claims that you’ve done. However, you aren't even sure what these concepts mean. What the hell is micro-cheating? Micro-cheating refers to small actions that can blur the boundaries of fidelity, such as secretive texting or maintaining a dating app profile, even if not actively used. Abusers often use vague terms like these to manipulate and control, exploiting your confusion and guilt to maintain power over you.

It doesn't matter. Trying to explain yourself doesn't matter either. It’s a wasted effort.

At the end of the day, this isn't about cheating, or not cheating, or keeping doors open, or whatever the hell micro-cheating is. This was about power and control. Every time these fights would occur, and every time your sanity was chipped away a little more, and doubt began to spread within you, he had you right where he wanted you. He manufactured flaws and punishable behavior on your part to create guilt within you. Guilt made you inferior to him. He could use that to manipulate you. This was about his need for absolute control over your thoughts, your feelings, and your memory – everything you said or did from here on out would be subject to scrutiny. No movement is safe. Despite your offering it over and over, he wasn't looking for reassurance – and none that you offered with your whole-hearted truth was going to soften him. He was determined to create a flaw, an offense, to make you argue, to make you defend, and ultimately, to make you feel guilty for something that existed only in his mind.

This case was won as far as he was concerned. You are a criminal for an assault you didn't commit. You became a prisoner for his fabricated crimes. Your sentence and punishment? Indefinite.