One More Good Day

Did you ever want it? Did you want it bad? Oh my, it tears me apart (~Michael Kiwanuka, Cold Little Heart)

Knowing what we know now, how things are between you two, what will your future look like if you stay in this relationship? Describe it. What do you see? Your therapist gives you a call to action. You start thinking how your life will look and feel based on what it’s been like thus far, nearly a year in an abusive relationship. 

You respond: Well, I think I will have a lot of anxiety, like I do now – I'm scared and anxious all the time. I’m constantly walking on eggshells and waiting for the next explosion. I will feel alone, and sad, and hurt, like I do now. I will tiptoe around his mood, unsure if he will show up for me safely or just gaslight and blame-shift or get angry and defensive. It will feel scary and uneasy, anything but calm. You pause, reflecting, thinking, and hurting. I just want the version of him I fell in love with, the version of him from the beginning, before all this started. I feel like I can't trust the good times now or believe anything “nice” he says anymore. Another pause. I don't trust him. You drop your head, slump over, looking down at your hands.

That’s right, she says, so every time you choose to reengage or respond to him that is what you are choosing for yourself. That is the future you are choosing and entering into, every time. That’s what you’re saying yes to: walking on eggshells, anxiety, blame-shifting, defensiveness, feeling alone, sad, and scared. 

Fuuuucccckkkkkk. 

You let out a heavy sigh and close your eyes. Defeat washes over you, weighing you down. I don't want that. I don't want my life to look like that. That doesn't align with my life vision or values at all! It’s the exact opposite of what I want a relationship to look like. You feel like you’ve been punched in the gut; the wind is knocked out of you. You feel like there is nowhere else to go on this road you’ve been treading, desperate for something to turn around for the better.

For several months you’ve been fighting, clawing and scraping for solid ground to hold on to. You’re the type of person who believes you can “work hard” through anything, that problems can be sorted out between two people. Misunderstandings and miscommunications can be remedied and all will be well – a naive and ignorant kind of hope. However, the thing with that type of thinking is that it assumes a level of emotional maturity, accountability, empathy, and self awareness in both partners. That type of thinking assumes that problems are the couple’s issue to be sorted out. This concept is wildly misplaced in an abusive relationship. 

When abuse is at play, the issue isn't “the couple’s problem.” This isn't a communication-style difference, or an “I prefer this over that” type of dilemma that can result in respectful compromise. The issue is abuse. Period. And abuse is owned by the abuser NOT by the one enduring the abuse. There is no compromise. For this reason, couples therapy is discouraged in an abusive relationship. In fact, couples therapy creates more unsafety and is considered highly dangerous for the non-abusive partner because it gives more toxic fuel for the abuser to use when he attacks. It doesn’t solve the lack of accountability on the abuser’s part and will perpetuate their narrative that you are the problem rather than their abusive behavior. 

So for the recipient of abuse, someone striving for meaningful safe connection, it can feel gut-wrenching and painfully defeating when clinically advised methods in non-violent communication and emotional intelligence fail to repair a devastating cycle. Your efforts are futile here. 

I believe if I just try; You believe in you and I (~Michael Kiwanuka, Cold Little Heart)

You beg your therapist for answers and an objective point of view: I’m using all my tools. Nothing is working. I’m so careful how I say things and what I say – it doesn't matter. It turns into a bad fight anyway. What am I doing wrong? Could I have said that differently? Is he right about all my issues and flaws – am I missing something? Why isn't everything Brené Brown, Esther Perel, or the Gottmans working?! 

At this point, you’re still clinging to a false hope that you can fix this. That if only you try this one new thing or say/don’t say something it will turn this all around and there will be a breakthrough. Maybe you’ll get him to see the light and understand how destructive his behavior is and wake up from whatever villainous spell he’s under to be the romantic, kind, and loving man you fell in love with. Wake up! Please wake up! I know you’re in there. I miss you. Please – I’m begging you to wake up. 

You remember countless fights where he’s full of rage, seeing red, and spewing hate: why don't you just admit it, you’re talking to other people; you have your options and doors open with all these other guys; you’re so selfish, all you care about is yourself; not everything is going to be perfect – sorry I’m not perfect and nothing I do is good enough. You frantically search for options, hoping that by looking face to face, either on FaceTime or by sitting across from him gently holding his hands, his shoulders, or his face, you can somehow calm him down and pull him out of this rage-filled spell. It doesn't work. It never works. The disconnect becomes a vast void that your pain and heartache soon fill. 

Your efforts are useless. It will take nothing short of a miracle to clear out the poison that drives his abusive tendencies toward you. The thing is, if you could fix this you would have by now, your therapist reminds you of the harsh truth: You can't fix this. The only way the cycle of abuse ends is if you step out of it. You’re faced with the pain of staying and enduring more abuse, or walking away and enduring heartbreak. You feel your heart sink. The pain in your chest is palpable. 

What I would give for just one more good day….