Words Unspoken

One month no contact. It feels equal parts celebratory and devastatingly sad. The ache in your heart is no less noticeable. Sometimes it’s worse it seems. You still instinctively reach for your phone, checking for missed emails, text messages, or phone calls, looking for what? You don't know. Sometimes you think up or craft a message, in your head or even in reality, only to quickly delete the words you typed. What would you even say? 

You’d start with what comes up: 

I miss you. I hate this. I hate how things ended. I hate how things turned out between us. I’m so sad and heartbroken. I wish things didn't turn out this way between us. I fucking hate this. I wanted anything but this.

I think about you every day, all day, when I wake up and when I go to bed. I lay in my bed at night willing myself to think of anything else. But all I do is remember you and what it felt like when you were laying next to me. What I would give to reach over to feel you there, to hold your hand while we fall asleep, like we used to. Now I lay there in stillness and solitude, just remembering. So much remembering…

I remember the way you smell, the way your skin felt under my fingers, the way it felt when our fingers were intertwined. The worst is remembering how it felt to be hugged and held by you, your long arms wrapping all the way around me, enveloping me into your embrace tight against your chest. You always knelt down a little to even out our height differences. I liked to close my eyes and kiss your neck. 

I remember our first nights sleeping in the same bed, you would tuck the blankets around me if you woke up in the middle of the night – I was still half asleep, but I remember feeling immense love and care from you. 

I remember what it felt like to fall in love with you, effortless. I almost said “I love you” for the first time in the middle of a grocery store when you remembered my favorite foods. I felt sure, ready and willing to go all in. And I remember when that sentiment was first mistaken and misunderstood, when my loyalty and devotion was ignored or taken for granted, when suddenly my character and word wasn't enough, when I wasn't enough. I remember how it felt to be blindsided by that when all I wanted to give, and all I was giving, was all of myself and my whole heart. All I wanted was you, forever. 

The worst is remembering the good with the bad, so very bad, so much hurt. The confusion it created in me was debilitating. I began to whither away and lose my light. I was exhausted. You were supposed to lift me up, make me shine brighter. Instead you tore me down. You made it your mission to shrink me. I don't know when or why that happened. I tried to make sense of it. I tried so hard….

I wanted you to be my forever. I believed once that you were. Instead you were another painful lesson and heartbreak. 

So I guess I would also say “thank you.” Even though this is the hardest thing I’ve endured – yes, even in comparison to law school, the bar exam, a divorce, and running a marathon – you showed me what I’m capable of. You showed me how resilient I am. You showed me what love isn't. By showing me who you are, you showed me that I am the love of my life. I am my forever. You showed me what I deserve, and that no matter how wrong I may be, no one is deserving of the pain you caused. So, thank you. I now see what I can endure and overcome. I know better now. 

Yeah, you’d probably say something like that, words lost in the void. You know they won't land. So again, you delete the words, you put the keyboard away, and you put your phone down. Instead, the messages stay within, unfinished sentences filed away alongside the memories.