Who is Choosing You?

If everything is a choice, he didn't choose you. 

Everything is a choice, he’d say. Happiness is a choice. Why can't you choose to be happy? You’re too focused on the negative. He’d say this whenever you brought up a need or his hurtful actions. Your voice wasn't welcome, your feelings invalid. It was always your negativity, never his acts.

The first time he said this to you, you had just brought up how you felt hurt and confused by him claiming that he can't afford therapy while simultaneously talking about and looking at tickets to a music festival he wanted to go to that cost over $500 per ticket. That’s worth over a month’s worth of therapy, you noticed. How is it you can afford this concert ticket but you can't afford therapy? This is really confusing and hard to understand. He dismisses your question and your need for clarity: Do you even want to be happy? Instead, he claims your issue with this is due to the fact that you can't choose happiness. It’s like all you want to do is pick me apart and just be negative.

Your silence is more valuable to him than any accountability ever will be. 

You’re literally the antithesis of everything he accuses you of, your best friend says after she listens in shock to conversations like this over several months of this relationship. If he doesn't like all this about you, then why is he with you? You agree, wondering the same thing all this time. How can someone despise you passionately, spew so much hate, pick apart all your characteristics as massive flaws, yet claim they love you and call you “the love of my life”? How is it possible to want to be with someone you think is cheating on you, regularly, despite not having any proof, or someone who is actively and intentionally out to get you? These thoughts run through your mind constantly. You don't understand. You try to comprehend his logic. But that’s the thing–there is none. Despite your pleading, it will never make sense.

If everything is a choice, then why did he choose to cut you down? Why did he weaponize your character and vulnerable moments against you? Why did he lie to you when he lied to himself about the kind of person he truly was and is: abusive, scary, unsafe, malicious, narcissistic, and emotionally unwell? If everything is a choice, then why did he choose to treat you the way he did? Why use words as weapons and engage in psychological destruction? Why was it so hard to be a good guy, to be decent, to show up, to be emotionally intelligent, to create emotional safety, to listen, to demonstrate accountability and empathy instead of rage and defensiveness? You were asking for the bare fucking minimum.

You need to get over it. You feel your face tingle and your heart rate increase. The blood drains from your face. You feel cold…and hot…hot and cold at the same time. Your body starts to shake and tremble. You abruptly turn and walk into the other room to catch your breath, hands gripping the countertop as you close your eyes to regroup. Everything is a choice… words echoing within you.

When you finally return to face him, you’ve gone cold, withdrawing from him as you often do for protection during these hostile moments. I would never tell you 'to get over it,' you finally say pointedly and sharply through gritted teeth, feeling rage and hurt pulse through you.

If everything is a choice, then just 24 hours earlier, he made his. And your reaction to his actions became the focus for punishment. Even though you know this road like the back of your hand, the twists and turns still make your stomach sink and coil. 

After months of fighting and you suggesting couples therapy, he finally agreed. Even though you wanted to end things and had just tried to do so that week, he begged for another chance, on top of the countless others you'd dished out, and said he was “willing to do anything,” and asked to schedule therapy for the upcoming weekend when the two of you would be together. I said I wouldn't beg, but I am. I am begging now. Please don't give up on us. I'll go to therapy. Let's go. Please!

You hesitated, feeling trapped between hope and skepticism. On one hand, therapy could be the start of genuine change, yet doubt looms over you. What if this was just another empty promise? The pattern felt all too familiar, and a part of you feared being let down yet again. History repeats itself. 

Despite your reservations, you agreed to his pleas and set up an appointment for that Saturday afternoon. You said you’d compromise by spending Friday evening and Saturday morning with your mom, and he could drive up on Saturday in time for the session. You conveyed that you wanted to spend time with your mom and were willing to compromise. Little did you know this would be used against you soon after.

Saturday morning came and went. You realize the session is only two hours away. When you see his location is at the gym, you feel dumbfounded yet not surprised. He still has a 3.5-hour drive to get here. He won't be making it in time for couples therapy, the session that he begged for and requested at length just the day before.

He acts nonchalant, telling you his ETA: Unfortunately, I won't make it in time for the call. His actions say what his words won’t. When you tell him not to bother coming afterall and that it’s over, he spirals, blaming you: If you hadn’t canceled and rescheduled so much this wouldn't have happened. Maybe I needed my own time after all of that. The lack of accountability screams louder than he does.

So by the next morning, after his shallow, meaningless apologies, you still aren't over it. There is no magic switch you can flip to go from being hurt and betrayed to suddenly ok, normal, and over it. You feel wronged, and the growing lack of accountability only pushes you further and further away. The void between you two feeling vast and wide.

We talked about it already. When are you going to get over it and move on? He often reacts this way to your pain, pushing you to quickly move past something, and is unable or unwilling to hold space for your hurt. You go silent, the room dark as you both prepare for bed. You are seeking connection and repair, but he shuts you down and shuts you out. As you withdraw into stillness, he drifts to sleep while you remain wide awake, curled on the far edge of the bed. His defensiveness creates an impenetrable barrier between you two. You feel devastatingly alone in the silence.

Everything is a choice.

There are countless interactions like this one, where a sliding-door moment could lead to healing, empathy, and connection, rather than hurt, loneliness, and disconnection. More times than you can count, he has chosen door number 2. Why is his standard about choice only one-sided? Why is it that I'm the one scrutinized and punished?  

In moments like this, he’s making a very clear message: he demands that you choose him, choose to silence yourself and your feelings, choose to shrink and be small for his comfort, and choose his needs over your own, all while he doesn't do the same in return. So it begs the question: if you're choosing him, and he’s choosing him, who is choosing you?

Now I'm rolling back the dark again

Starting to see me in a new light

Watch all the shadows fall behind me 'till I'm out of sight

I keep on walking 'till I'm someone you won't recognize

(~Mega, New Light)

I don't choose this for myself. I don't want it. You tell your therapist, not only for her ears but for your own. Your voice gets a little louder. I don't want someone to treat me this way anymore. My partner and relationship are supposed to make my life better, but instead they're making it worse, so much worse. This sentiment is your beacon of hope, your way out of the darkness he’s cast over your life. A flicker of light in the distance amid thick gray fog. Every step towards its glow is another leap toward yourself; the distance between you and him growing wider and wider. You choose to reconnect with old hobbies, finding solace in activities you once enjoyed. You begin to set small goals, whether it's spending time with supportive friends or embracing solitude to reflect and heal. In one direction, there is darkness, pain, and suffering, and in the other, there is light, love, strength, and resilience.

It eventually became unbearable to be in a relationship in which no one is choosing you. Now, each day you make choices big and small that demonstrate prioritizing yourself. The shadows of him and that relationship slip a little further away each day, and each time you choose not to settle for more than you deserve. This isn't a version of you he would recognize anymore. But that’s ok. In time, you’ll be so far away, so far ahead—out of sight and out of reach. Maybe that was the problem all along, because maybe he knew you always were.